I regularly think about my life with six children of a wide range of ages, living in the throes of contemporary society, engaging the culture while maintaining our Catholic identity. But lately I've been really thinking about my life in terms of its chaos. Of course, it didn't help that a doctor with whom we have been working has casually mentioned the chaos of our life in the last three visits to his office. I mean, he doesn't say it in a derogatory way; it's barely a blip in the conversation. In fact, the chaos of my life wasn't even the main point of the discussions we were having. It was just a passing comment, no pause, no inflection to indicate he wished to make a point...just four little words that rolled off his tongue as he moved on to the main point: "You know, the house is chaotic and blah, blah, blah....."
Isn't it poignant that those four words are the ones I remember in the conversation: "...[T]he house is chaotic...." These words struck a nerve, and I began to analyze, ruminate and wonder to myself and God: "Is my house that chaotic with all these kids? Did he mean that in a bad way, a reflection on me and my ability to organize or create a calm home for these children? Or was he just stating a fact like anyone with six kids is going to have chaos?" Clearly, it really didn't matter how this doctor meant his 4 little words; I was taking them as a springboard into the analysis of my life. So I ruminated on:
"Is it just chaotic looking because he's secular and can't see beyond having 2.1 children? Or do we really look like we're barely holding on when we come through the office? What do other people see? What does the check out girl in Sam's Club see? Kids sitting in the basket with forgotten shoes because after dropping off the girls to piano, I didn't think ahead that I could use the time to go pick up swim diapers. So I just go even though the boys jumped in the seats without shoes. Ouch! Have I been living so chaotically that I don't even realize how chaotic it looks?"
And then all of a sudden I stop and realize how vulnerable I am feeling, how self-conscious I am about my "chaotic life" with my six children: "Who do I think I am...this gal that grew up as an only child having six kids. My neat, ordered childhood turned upside down as an adult? I mean, really, Carla, were you nuts?"
At some point between the vulnerability and the recognition of my own history as an only child, the Holy Spirit seems to nudge me gently..."Yes, you...that only child that managed to overcome a lot of selfishness and open her heart to six beautiful children...yes, Carla, you. Those precious children and all the "chaos" that goes with them are transforming you, expanding your heart in ways you can't always see..." I felt the warmth of the smile of the Heavenly Father and the corners of my mouth upturned. In my heart I could see his gentle and supportive glance, and a peace rested my anxious mind. My shoulders squared up a little more, and I felt a surge of pride in my beautiful family: "Come on, Carla, you know who you are and what you are about." I chuckled at myself and how four small words could entangle my heart into such a snare.
I do have a chaotic life. What can I say? Eight people living in a home, well, it gets nutty at times....but it comes with free kisses, hugs, pictures of flowers, bees, and rainbows, blankies, and binkies. The beauty of the love that comes through each day outshines the chaos...in fact, I would even go so far to say that the chaos adds to the delight and charm of this beautiful life.
