It's that time of year again -- the NEW YEAR! A brand spanking new year with which to look forward with wide eyed expectation! A fresh new outlook on life and new energy to impel us forward toward renewed goals! Do I hear a second? Are you one of those people that love the new year? Does it excite you to plan a resolution? Do you muster the courage to keep it up beyond one month? Or am I hearing crickets?
Honestly, I tend to be one who loves new year's resolutions. I love the idea of a fresh start, of goal setting, of trying to get certain monkeys off my back (and I ain't talking about my kids who happen to act like monkeys on most days!). Most of them tend to revolve around things I wish I were better at doing. For example: Goal number 1: exercising and watching my food intake so diligently that I would finally lose those final 7-10 pounds from baby number 6. Goal number 2: cleaning out all my photos and finally getting current pictures on the wall. Goal number 3: to plan cute activities with the preschoolers regularly. Goal number 4: to plan meals....etc., etc., etc. I could name probably 5-10 more goals that make my heart go pitter patter because the thought of actually finishing them makes me swoon with joy!
Really, I mean that. In fact, I would actually take more pictures and take the time to figure out how to put them into this little blog just to catalog them with some sort of permanency -- doing all that just so that I can go back to it and say, "I actually did that!" That's how much I love the idea of doing these things.
-Ummm...so Carla, why don't you just stop dawdling on the ideas and get to it then? (That's one of my inner voices talking to me. She's sometimes a little pushy!)
-Well, because there's so much to do! I cannot do it all! I mean it's so unrealistic to expect to get all this stuff done! Wah! Wah! Wah! I never get to finish what I start -- unless I'm nesting! Which I am NOT!(That's my whiny inner voice. She's gets overwhelmed at times.)
-If you get organized and plan the projects, it shouldn't be that hard to tackle. Just go one by one. You can do it. Just be gentle on yourself and go step by step. Even if you finish just a couple of items, you'll feel great (That's the realistic inner voice: serene, calm, encouraging.)
-Carla, wait, did you ask God what he might want in this new year? In all those ideas, did you think about what God is nudging you to do? (Now, that's probably my guardian angel or dare I say, the Holy Spirit speaking in my heart.)
-Well, um, no. I didn't exactly ask....I was hoping to get by on "Keep up the good fight! You can do it! Sisk, boom, bah!" Can't Jesus just cheer me on in my goals?
Quiet. No response. A gentle smile and little chuckle.
Reminds me of that saying: Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans.
-OK, Jesus, I give. What do you want...from among these goals, right here in front of you, what would you like me to do? Photos? Meal planning?
-Um...Jesus, I'm not hearing anything?
[Gentle smiles]
-More gentle smiles, right? You mean, you don't want me to work on putting pictures in order?
[Another chuckle with gentle smile]
-Yeah, I know. You want me to let go of it. You want me to surrender. You want me to just ask, no strings attached. All right, all right. Enough gentle smiles! I've been at this life of faith long enough to surrender a little more quickly. So, dear Lord, what would you like for the New Year? What do you want me to do?
I squint my eyes up at heaven like a little kid wondering what big lofty thing our Lord will hand me. Yes, I often feel about 4 years old in relationship to God.
And you know what the answer was? It was simple: "LISTEN." No grandeur, no big and mighty job. Just listen.
I nod. I smile. I stop, and I listen. He continues: "It's in the listening that you grow closer to me. That's what I want. I want to grow closer to you and you to me. I want to share more of my life with you. So would you begin again? Would you learn to listen anew this year?"
Now, how do you say no to that invitation? You just can't. You can't tell someone who peers at you in your mind's eye with such a gentle, loving look -- such a true friend of the soul -- you just can't tell him no. I mean, you technically could, but I just don't see it. We were made for His beauty; when we encounter Him as He truly is, we are impelled to say yes.
So I've said once again, "Yes. I commit again to listening and loving you, so I can become more like you."
I've adjusted my New Year's goals. The first for me is to listen more to Him. That means quieting my heart and praying more. And to help me toward that goal, I am committing once again to a daily rosary. I used to do it more regularly, and it is a habit that I have let slip here and there.
But lest you think that I will give up all my Martha-ness for Mary-ness, I'm still going to bust my tail to organize those photos. Maybe some of them will show up in the blog for me to swoon over!
